Just one week after being named Hollywood’s “Most Hated Celebrity” by Star Magazine, she has been named “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman” by People Magazine. THE WORLD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. Despite everything that I’ve ever said about her, I have never argued that Gywneth Paltrow isn’t pretty, she is very pretty, but THE WORLD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN? There are a lot of beautiful women in the world and some of them aren’t notoriously self-involved lunatics incapable of keeping their mouths shut about their extraordinary wealth and privilege. Even Miss America has to ANSWER QUESTIONS to make sure she isn’t AN ILLITERATE SOCIOPATH before we hand these kinds of titles out. Like who else was nominated and what kind of criteria did we use for weeding them out? I want to see the math. But Gwyneth responds to the news in her typical down-to-Earth style:

“Around the house, I’m in jeans and a T-shirt. I don’t really wear makeup. That’s what they’re used to,” she says. As for her husband, Chris Martin, “He’ll make a joke about it. If I’ve gotten fully dressed up, he’ll be like, ‘Oh, wow! You’re Gwyneth Paltrow!’ Because he’s used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair.”

Oh, so when you are at home you aren’t dressed to the nines in rented jewelry and silk gowns with a face plastered in HD-ready make up? WHAT A GIRL NEXT DOOR! Come on, man. Give me a break. What are you even trying to say? That you’re an ugly, disgusting pig when the cameras aren’t around? No, you are a movie star. Here is the thing about Gwyneth Paltrow that I am not sure I have ever made clear:

I think she is pretty and does a very good job at acting, and she is a movie star who is married to a rock star. As far as I am concerned, her children SHOULD be named after fruit, and she SHOULD own a $4,000 coffee maker, and she SHOULD fly to Paris for a birthday dinner, and she SHOULD have a personal trainer who herself is now famous for the sole reason that she’s a movie star’s personal trainer. All of this is part of the deal. What she shouldn’t do, but what she can’t seem to stop herself from doing, is pretending that all of this is what we all have, and how she has never lost sight of who she is, which is I don’t even know what anymore, a war-torn refugee who just likes drinking broth and sleeping under the covers? EVERYONE WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE IN JEANS AND A T-SHIRT BECAUSE WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, YOU PSYCHO, BUT ALSO WE KNOW WHAT YOU SPEND ON JEANS AND A T-SHIRT, AND WE ALSO HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHAT “AROUND THE HOUSE” MEANS TO YOU, SO WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE JUST ONCE FOR THE LOVE THAT YOU HOLD FOR YOUR MACROBIOTIC RECIPES THAT TRICK THE CHILDREN INTO EATING THEIR VEGETABLES AND YOUR KILLER UPPER-ARM-FAT REDUCING WORKOUT ROUTINES KEEP YOUR BLOODY (GET IT? ENGLAND) MOUTH SHUT.