Just yesterday we had the good fortune of hearing the story of the woman who was sent a Goldfish® cracker straight from The Big Guy Himself. “Man,” we thought, “This is a great miracle story. A Goldfish® cracker with a cross on it that looks like the imprint of a screw? Straight from Heaven?! I’m not going to say that it’s the best miracle story I’ll ever hear in my life, but it’s probably the best miracle story I’ve heard so far and it is CERTAINLY the best miracle story I’ll hear this week.” WE ARE SO STUPID SOMETIMES! Today, just one day later, I present to you the story of a previously-dead hamster that has COME BACK TO LIFE. AND SHE DID IT ON EASTER, ARE YOU SERIOUUUUUSSSSSS??!!! It all began when James Davis and his girlfriend Lisa found the body of Tink the hamster they were hamster-sitting for a friend lying cold and lifeless in her cage. Like anyone would, they called the friend to inform him or her that Tink had passed, and buried Tink in the yard. BUT TINK, GOD’S 2ND EASTER MIRACLE, DID NOT STAY BURIED!

TIIIIIIIIIIINK! Sure a veterinarian says you were hibernating and that that is a normal thing hamsters do, and that people frequently mistake it for death, BUT WHAT DO VETERINARIANS KNOW?! (And also: How frequently are hamsters buried alive?!!!?) Anyway, sorry, Jesus! Hamster is the new Jesus now. Hamster Amen. (Via Gawker.)