The Hollywood Reporter this morning has an editorial about what Bob Greenblatt, the new-ish head of NBC, should do to turn the network’s dismal ratings around. This has been a pretty popular topic of conversation in the entertainment media lately, this whole NBC thing. I guess what happened is that their ratings got good for a minute after being bad for years but now they are bad again? OH I AM SORRY, DID YOU FALL ASLEEP? Seriously, this whole conversation is like watching inside baseball dry. That being said, I think this Hollywood Reporter article may finally have taken things a step too far. Here are some of the most egregious quotes:

Well, there’s your big fiery death ball. Again. No, not the meteorite in Russia, the one that hit NBC on Wednesday like the gods themselves threw it out of anger.

That is literally the opening of the article. FIERY DEATH BALL. Like the gods themselves threw it out of anger. We’re just talking about TELEVISION RATINGS right? This is all because not very many people watched Smash? Just making sure. Continue, lunatic:

If NBC wanted to find a silver lining it could have touted the fact that Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, a show with a concept older than the people it features, was its highest rated show, reaching roughly 3.5 million people in the, what, 100-plus million homes NBC has a key pass to? There’s no silver lining in that. Just a dry cleaning bag to kill yourself with.

Whoa, dude! A casually tossed off and yet super-specific and visually graphic suicide reference? You should ask your therapist about keeping things in perspective I know that you have one!

Yes, every broadcast network sans CBS, which has been the best-run and most efficiently ruthless broadcaster for years now, is living a nightmare scenario that makes The Road from Cormac McCarthy look like The Sound of Music.

So, just to clarify, the current state of broadcast television is not actually a post-Apocalyptic nightmare covered in a dark gray ash that hides the roving gangs of cannibalistic skull rapists and nightmare basement human organ farmers because it is actually WORSE than that? That scenario is like a musical (about THE NAZIS) in comparison? First and foremost, CAN WE GET THIS MAN A PULITZER PLEASE? And now let us continue:

That’s the seductive, sad dream that others have bought into. You know, right before they got walked out back and before their eyes could adjust to the sun, someone put a piano wire around their neck and announced in a press release that they were “hanging out their shingle” to produce new shows.

Dope garroting reference.

Dope article.

I never realized how INSANE television ratings were. What a nightmare! Guys, this is serious. FIRST THEY CAME FOR NBC AND I BLOGGED NOTHING. I’m nervous for everyone now. Please don’t kill yourselves with dry cleaning bags or let them garrot you with piano wire in the backyard. WE HAVE TO CARRY THE FIRE, YOU GUYS! TO THE COAST!