Yay since people are sharing, I’ll up the ante a little and share a story that I never tell out loud because it still makes me cringe.

The summer of ’09, I was single for the first time since high school and living in New York for a total of two months. I had this idea that I’d meet lots of interesting men and live it up like single girls in NY do on TV. I had very little experience flirting and all that, but I’d gotten a few tips on the arts of seduction. One of the tips I’d heard most was to make flirty eye contact. I tried this one time, at a bar with my (also single female) officemate. I found a good-looking guy sitting with some friends at the bar, and I decided to make eyes at him, all fluttery and coquettish. I made eye contact a few times over the next…man it must have been a while. Eventually, he and his friends got up to leave, and this guy shouts across the bar, “IS THERE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?” The way I remember it, his friends then high-fived him and they all left laughing out loud. This might have happened, but I’m pretty sure I blacked out from embarrassment immediately, so I’m hoping I made that part up.

I never made eye contact with a good-looking stranger ever again.

Something about the way they’re standing reminded me of the Brokeback Mountain poster and then… I don’t know. This happened.

It didn’t seem as weird when I started.

One day when I was in 3rd grade, we were going over our English homework and I had to pee really badly. I raised my hand to go to the bathroom, but as half the class had their hands raised to answer questions from the homework, the teacher didn’t notice and never called on me. After a while I couldn’t hold it in any longer, and came up with the absolutely brilliant idea to just pee my pants a little and then I would be okay. Shockingly enough, that didn’t work and I completely peed my pants. Good times.

The Bone Collectors.

They were going to try to use the other huge hit song of 2012 but the contestants found it too confusing.

Just two immortals enjoying a latte.

“I’m just a patsy, mom!”

When I was like, 7 I was VERY into Married, With Children even though I didn’t understand a lot of the sexual jokes. In one episode, Kelly tells some sexy story that is not very related to a topic but ends up pointing them to some solution and Marcy (oh man. MARCY!) says that she has “the morals of an ally cat”. I, because of context clues, and also Aesop’s Fables assumed that phrase meant “you tell stories that hide the point of what you are saying” and so when my mom told some story around a lot of her adult friends, I was excited to bust out my new zinger and said “hahah. that is a crazy story, mom. you sure have the MORALS OF AN ALLEYCAT!” and then I like, sitcom smiled and waited to bask in the approval of all of her peers for my super awesome stolen quip.

That is not how it went down. Horrified stares all around and my mom, after like 10 seconds of silence was like “a) do you know that you just called me a slut? and b) have you been watching “Married, With Children” again?”

I still cringe all the way to my very marrow remembering that moment.

We’ve never needed this photo more: