Nancy Grace Is Going To Be On Dancing With The Stars, OBVIOUSLY

Let's be honest: I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, America. I know that show is very popular, and I would never begrudge anyone for enjoying it, it's just not for me! As a general rule, I don't like any reality TV show that is filmed in some echoe-y soundstage filled with twirling lights. You know what I mean? Give me a claustrophobic house or a cruise ship or a high-octane test kitchen any night of the week, but these competition shows that look like they were set up in a high school auditorium give me the poops. It's like punishment! (Interestingly enough, it is a well-known FACT that I do love a good dance off, so I'm not entirely sure why Dancing with the Stars doesn't appeal to me more, although I have one pretty good guess: too many white people*.) Anyway, the new cast was announced and what a bunch of stars they all are, I'm sure. There's a tennis player, George Clooney's ex-girlfriend, and also Ron Artest. Neat! But one name is obviously shining a little brighter than all the rest.

NANCY GRACE

Hahahahahhaha. GOOD ONE, DANCING WITH THE STARS! This is almost as good as your whole "Bristol Palin" bit. "This next dance will be a traditional tango set to the noise of a police scanner." "This next dance is a waltz set to the screams of stolen children." "This next dance is a samba set to the banging of a judge's gavel." "This next dance is in honor of Terry Schiavo." AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

*Oh jeez, I realized maybe this one might need a little unpacking. I'm not saying that I prefer to watch black people PUT ON A SHOW, but let's face it, as a general rule, black people tend to be better dancers than white people, and when it comes to watching people dance I prefer that they know what the hell they are doing. THERE I SAID IT. Pretty controversial stuff. Take it easy, I'll walk myself to the pillory.