Michael Bay opened his walk-in bomber jacket closet and looked at the endless racks of bomber jackets. "What'll it be, Chief?" he said to himself. He picked out a dark bomber jacket with crackled leather and put it on. Michael Bay shook his head and shed the jacket, leaving it in a heap on the floor. He tried a nice sheepskin bomber jacket, coffee colored, fur collar. No. He threw it on top of the other. He did this with 10 other variations of bomber jacket before finally settling on what was really more of a motorcycle jacket. He would have to have Manuel be more careful. This jacket should really have been in the walk-in motorcycle jacket closet.
He moved to the walk-in sunglasses closet, but he did not spend much time in there. It contained hundreds, perhaps thousands of identical pairs of aviator shades. He picked out a pair and put them on, and he walked the fuck out.
He brushed his teeth with COCAINEPASTE.
Michael Bay drove his motorcycle down the stairs and into the breakfast nook and hopped off into a controlled roll. The bike continued on, smashing through the sliding doors, and rolling down the Beachwood deck until it plunged into the 20-person hot tub. Michael Bay cackled.
"THAT MOTORCYCLE IS GAY!" he shouted at the gay motorcycle. "BE A MAN!" he told the motorcycle. The motorcycle didn't do anything. Michael Bay ate a bagel.
Michael Bay blew up his house.
Michael Bay had an important meeting about explosions. He got into his Ferrari and he drove it 100 miles per hour off a cliff and he died and his corpse got an erection. His corpse dragged itself to the battery with a pair of jumper cables and jolted itself back to life. Michael Bay dragged a hand through his slick hair and he gave the Angel of Death the finger, and the Angel of Death said "Your movies suck," and Michael Bay said "What would you know about it?" and the Angel of Death put the back of his bony fingers under his chin, and flicked them at Michael Bay, the international sign of "fuck you" but Michael Bay was already gone. His meeting was at the Coffee Bean, and he was already a little late because of the whole dying thing.
Michael Bay drove his car into the front of the Coffee Bean, a bunch of people died. He did not bother resurrecting them. They weren't him. They weren't the center of the universe. A group of important people financing his latest film were sitting around a table drinking herbal teas and iced Frappucinos. Michael Bay slapped the cups out of all of their hands. "Put some nuts on it!" he said.
And he walked out of the Coffee Bean, peace sign flashing.
Meeting ADJOURNED!
