This year, UCLA students were thrilled (and/or the opposite of thrilled) at the news that James Franco would be their commencement speaker. But it turns out now he won't. It must be particularly painful to have him back out just a week and a half before the ceremony. In a statement issued by James Franco he explained:
"I deeply regret not being able to keep my commitment to giving the commencement speech at UCLA's graduation this year," Franco said in a prepared statement provided to UCLA. "Unfortunately the date conflicts with me needing to be on location to begin pre-production on my next film. I wish everyone in the 2009 class the best of luck in all of their future endeavors."
It is still unclear who will take Franco's place at next Friday's ceremony, and I hope that the student affairs committee is able to find someone as important and as powerful as James Franco on such short notice.
And yet, the world no longer needs to live without the inspirational wit and wisdom of James Franco. After hours in which it was thought lost to the sands of history, we have uncovered the speech Franco would have given, had he been able:
Good morning.
[Hold for applause]
When I was asked to speak to you today on this momentous occasion, I said "Hey, I think you've got the wrong guy."
[Hold for laughter]
I can still remember when I graduated from UCLA, and by graduated I mean dropped out. It was one of the smartest decisions I ever made. Look at me now! As a wise man once said, "I'm rich, bitch!" [pause for laughter, thank Dave Chappelle] Do you think I could have achieved what I have if I'd decided to plod through all four years of a bachelor's degree in the liberal arts? That's like plodding through four years of wasted time, only to receive three folded up squares of toilet paper at the end. Worthless. Wipe your butt!
If you take anything away from today, it is this: wipe your butt.
[Hold for applause]
You guys are the future. As you leave here today you are equipped to become the great doctors and lawyers and politicians and scientists of tomorrow. But one thing you will never do is portray Harry Osborn in the Spider-Man franchise. PWNED. You will never receive an Independent Spirit Award for your stunning performance as Harvey Milk's lover in the movie Milk. The point is that there will always be obstacles, and achievements just beyond your reach. That does not mean that you should ever stop striving. Keep striving! Keep believing! Keep seeing my movies! Sometimes twice! You'll get something new each time!
I'd like to leave you with a poem that
my publicistI stumbled across that felt appropriate for today. It's by Guillaume Apollinaire:Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them,
And they rented Annapolis on DVD because that movie is underappreciated.Franco out! [Drop mic]
CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2009!
