There will be a long article about Conan O'Brien's ascension to the Tonight Show in this weekend's New York Times Sunday Magazine, but it's available on-line now! Because it's the future! Anyway, it's an interesting article, you should learn how to read and then read the whole thing. But obviously, it can't just be your typical celebrity puff-piece because with Jay Leno's move to the 10PM slot, the whole transition has become complicated and fraught and a story about Conan O'Brien is now intrinsically a story about Jay Leno. The dude just won't leave the party no matter how loud we turn up the music or put the cans and bottles in a recycling bag. Here, Jay Leno describes how his relationship to television executives is similar to his relationship with female genitalia:
"Five years ago," Leno continued, "I think they thought we wouldn't still be on top. Back then, I said, 'Whatever you want.' I don't have an agent. I don't have a manager. If the girl doesn't want to sleep with you, that's O.K. I'm not one of those guys who says, 'Why don't you want to sleep with me?' I say, 'O.K., great -- let's be friends.' You want to make a change? That's great -- we'll make a change."
The differences between Conan and Jay are obvious, and where you fall between the two says a lot about who you are as a human being (whether you are an objectively good or objectively bad human being, respectively; this is real). But this aw shucks metaphor is just Jay Leno at his absolute worst. First of all, having a late night talk show has absolutely nothing to do with sleeping with a woman, metaphorically or literally. And even if it did, what is he even talking about? He's been at the Tonight Show for 17 years. So what he's saying is that he's not the type of guy to sleep with a woman for 17 years and then he says OK, let's make an UGH THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
He's trying to position himself as a down-home go-with-the-flow kind of dude, America's dude, who doesn't want to make waves, except that down-home go-with-the-flow dudes don't drive a different antique car from their private airplane hangar every day and force themselves into an unheard of 10PM nightly comedy show. You can't even hate him for that. It's just the way things are. Would you hate the sun for owning an airplane hangar full of antique cars? Would you ask the rain to stop being one of the least funny people on television? No. But you could ask them to at least be honest about it. What a fucking liar. You're rich and famous and demanding and your self-interest knows no bounds, Jay Leno. Lord knows you can afford to at least own that.
I really do not like this guy!
