Salma Hayek set down the glass of champagne and smoothed out the creases in her elegant black ballgown. She had been pacing her glamorous super-expensive and fancy hotel room for hours now, nervously rehearsing her acceptance speech and rubbing her clammy hands together. She was so nervous! To think that only a few years earlier she had been just another actress, living with Edward Norton and riding around in limousines. She had never breastfed a baby in her life, and now here she was, accepting the most prestigious breastfeeding award in the whole world. It was incredible.
"You are live the dream, Mees Hayek," she said to herself in the mirror.
She could remember sitting by the side of a pool at Jack Nicholson's house drinking single malt scotch at 7:30 in the morning, looking out over the Hollywood Hills and thinking "I should be doing something more important with my breasts, helping people with them, but what? But how?" And then someone had brought her a caviar omelet sprinkled with 14k gold leaf on a silver platter in the shape of Nicholson's penis, and she had given up on those wonderful dreams. She was just some actress with tons of money and free time in between projects. What could she possibly do?
In the limousine on the way to the Awards ceremony, she organized her breasts inside of her dress. Did they look charitable? Did her breasts like important? Could you even tell that they had been inside a starving child's mouth? They would have to do. Salma Hayek had no time to ensure that her breasts looked like the breasts of a hero. Her car had pulled up in front of Oslo City Hall.
The dais was decked out in royal blue carpeting, gold gilding everywhere, wood and elegance. It reminded Salma Hayek of being at the Golden Globes, except Russell Crowe wasn't drunkenly digging pizza crusts out of a garbage can. She sat in the second row behind some scientist who had done some science. Whatever. Yes, Salma Hayek had changed the life of a sick child by putting her breast in its mouth, and there was a television show to prove it, but she wasn't going to dismiss other people's accomplishments. Besides, this scientist guy was a man. He couldn't breastfeed a starving baby that wasn't even his just out of total generosity and good human spirit and nothing to do with cameras being around at all if he wanted to. We all have our gifts.
It was time for her speech.
"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Nobel Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, I want to thank you for giving me the Nobel Oscar in Breastfeeding. Many of you simply know me as Rita Escobar from the Will Smith and Kevin Kline action-comedy-adventure, Wild Wild West, but what I hope I have proved here today is that none of us are just Rita Escobar from the Will Smith and Kevin Kline action-comedy-adventure Wild Wild West. There is milk inside all of us. Except men. I think. But today is not about me. Today is about the starving babies all around this world. I urge you, I beg you, please find a camera crew and have them follow you to a poor nation and put your breast in a starving baby's mouth. I did. Google it. Thank you."
Salma Hayek sat back down in her chair, barely even hearing the waves and waves of incredible applause washing over her, the medal dangling on its silk ribbon above the breasts that changed the world,. She had done it. She was a hero. She was the greatest hero ever probably.
