Out on the smokers' balcony, where almost every episode of Top Chef begins, Fabio is wearing a t-shirt that says "All Stressed Out and No One to Choke." Huh. Must be custom made. An old Italian proverb. Leah explains that the reason she started cooking was because she did really poorly in college and took a job in a restaurant to make ends meet and discovered that she really liked it. Fair enough. But then she says "winning Top Chef would be a validation of why I'm doing what I'm doing." Wait, so winning Top Chef would be a validation of you having done really poorly in college and taking a job in a restaurant because you didn't have a lot of other options? Because you just explained why you are doing what you're doing, and that's the explanation. Leah, it's Top Chef, not Top :(. Carla used to be a model, and Stefan can't slip. QUICKFIRE TIME.
The guest judge this week, kind of, is Wylie Dufresne, chef and proprietor of WD-50. For the Quickfire Challenge, the contestants will need to prepare eggs, because Wylie Dufresne believes that "good egg cookery" is the mark of a good chef (not good talkery). This is actually a pretty intense challenge, because not to get all Professor Show Off At The University Of Having Eaten At Restaurants, but I've been to WD-50 and one of their signature dishes is this ridiculous eggs benedict that is just ridiculous and so ridiculous that it's crazy. (I paint pictures in your mind with words.)
Everyone races around the kitchen trying to be the best at food science. Except for Carla. "Molecular gastronomy and Carla are like oil and water, they just don't mix," Carla says, as she prepares her version of Green Eggs and Ham. Apparently, food based on Dr. Seuss books and Carla mix just fine. Luckily for her, Wylie Dufresne is four years old. Carla wins. Whaaat? How did Hosea's disgusting egg-whites-wrapped breakfast sushi not automatically win him the whole show? Oh right, this is Top Chef, not Top Barf. Who does Hosea think he is, anyway? Eugene?
For the Elimination Challenge, the contestants draw knives with famous chefs' names on them from the old Elimination Challenge knife block. They will each have to prepare the ideal "last meal" for a famous chef. Now that is an interesting challenge! That's what happens when you get down to a handful of people that you can actually distinguish from each other. None of this "four lords a leaping" bullshit.
The dinner is going to be served at Capitale, which we're told is an honor to cook for such notable chefs in such a famous dining establishment. Sure, sort of. Although, again, I have been to Capitale, and it's basically a really beautiful banquet hall. The place is massive. It seats hundreds. Maybe thousands. It used to be a bank. It's huge. Cooking for eight people in that place is ridiculous. What a ridiculous honor.
Stefan interviews that you could cut his arms and legs off and he would still run circles around Hosea. Flapping his phantom arms, one assumes. He says that Hosea doesn't have the balls to be a great chef. I don't know. Somehow I really feel like arms and legs are way more useful in the kitchen than balls. Come to think of it, arms and legs are more useful than balls for running circles around people, too. Stefan is a great cook, but we should probably cut his arms and legs and balls off to see just how great, you know?
During the preparation of the last meals, Fabio bends his finger all-a the way back, and it a crack, and he a break it. "The medic" asks him if he wants to go to the hospital. That's how everyone describes it. "He was back there with the medic." So there's always a medic around? Just like a normal kitchen. That's why every restaurant has an ambulance constantly idling out front. Just in case. But Fabio soldiers on. If he has to, he says, he will chop off his hand and sear the bloody stump on the flattop. Gross.
For the most part, everyone enjoys their final meals, which makes sense now that we're down to the final five. The complaints are pretty minor. But even I'm wondering what Leah's doing bringing out a salad with Wylie Dufresne's death eggs benedict. I'M DYING HERE, DON'T WASTE MY LAST FEW MOMENTS WITH VEGETABLES. Speaking of last meals, I wonder what Toby Young's last meal would be. I know that it would have poison in it. That's a given. Toby Young's last meal definitely is mostly made out of poison.
At the judges table, Wylie Dufresne has been replaced by Jacques Pepin. Wylie probably had to go deal with an emergency at the dry ice factory (that's what he calls his bedroom. I have no idea why I'm zinging him!) Jacques Pepin is a sweet chef-y bear. What a charmer. Look out, Fabio. Did you know that the baby in Children of Men was fathered by Jacques Pepin? His charm is more powerful than unexplainable apocalyptic infertility phenomena. WHAT?
Fabio wins. A bottle of wine. And a trip to Italy. He must be so excited. It's like if I won a bottle of High Life and a trip to Michigan. YAY! Napa Valley. He almost didn't win because Toby Young asked the judges whether they should really take Fabio's broken finger into account. He makes a good point though. Because I think we should break Toby Young's finger and not take his opinion into account. So, you know. EVEN STEVENS. Fabio came in this country just two-and-a-half years ago and look how many 300 references he makes.
Leah goes home.
Bye.
Carla feels like she's a tortoise. Just doing tortoise stuff.
Now that Leah's out of the way, Hosea can cheat on his girlfriend with Stefan.
Fabio actually says "Oh, Mama Mia!" Haha. Sure. Because, you know, Italy. THAT'S A SPICY TOP-A FOUR-A.
