Blair has community service because of how she invited the new teacher, Ms. Carr, to the opera as a prank. I really wish they would have shown the scene in which Ms. Carr was forced to explain her side of the story. "Well, yes, I accepted a student's invitation to dinner and the opera. As a grown woman, I am always eager to accept any invitation from one of the young children put in my care. Hardly a night goes by where I'm not out exploring the city with a child at my side. So you can imagine my embarrassment and frustration at being stood up by Ms. Waldorf. Why, I could have been out with some other student instead of wasting my time." The dean probably just shook her head and started crying because of what a tragedy it was for an enthusiastic young teacher with absolutely no boundaries whatsoever to have her eyes opened to the cruelty of teenagers. If only we could all remain in the ignorant bliss of being in our mid-20s and having absolutely no sense of proportion when it came to the welfare of high school children. Because let us not forget, these are all children.
Of course, Blair doesn't actually do her community service, she makes Dorota do it. Until her dad shows up with a fabulous gay picnic, because she would never want her father to think that she was anything other than an upstanding citizen. Sure, although why would Dorota even be there. The dad does not care. "Hello woman who I pay to maintain my house but who obviously has an unhealthy relationship with my daughter. Carry on!" Blair's dad is like "you are the most honest person I've ever met," or something. SOMETHING TELLS ME HE IS GOING TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY BY THE END OF THIS EPISODE!
Meanwhile, Serena walks into "the coffee shop" and finds Dan hanging out with Ms. Carr. Just a student hanging out with his teacher over coffee and orange juice before school has even started. Typical high school stuff. Let's pretend that the first class at Constance Billard starts at 8, which is rather leisurely if I remember high school correctly. For Dan to get to the Upper East Side from Williamsburg (or DUMBO) he's going to need about 45 minutes, so he would leave the house around 7:15. But if he wants to stop and get coffee and orange juice with his teacher, you know, just the kind of thing every student does all the time, he needs to leave the house an hour earlier? So 6:15 is it? You know what, just set the alarm for 4 AM and spend the extra time organizing your monocle collection, or whatever it is teenagers do these days when they're not busy always having breakfast with their teachers. Serena is supposed to give Ms. Carr her paper, but she is too scared because of what a great writer Dan is. I guess that paper wasn't due anyway and that's how school works. "I didn't do my homework because my boyfriend is better at homework." A++, go to Yale.
Blair wants to destroy Ms. Carr, but the other mean girls aren't having it.
But then the Dean comes out and announces that cell phone use will no longer be permitted during school hours, because of how major announcements at schools are done impromptu on the steps right before class. This show is basically a documentary about high school and how high schools do stuff. Now the mean girls are furious, and the cell phone ban was all Ms. Carr's idea, which we know because of how she is also outside of the school. Case closed. Blair gets Dorota to sneak in some contraband matching pink RAZRs and the girls use them to try and investigate Ms. Carr's history, because I am sure that an elite private school on the Upper East Side training the next generation of industry titans has a strict NO COMPUTERS ON SCHOOL PROPERTY rule. Rich kids never use computers. What do they look like, farmers? The mean girls come up emptyhanded, but then Blair sees Ms. Carr and Dan talking in the hallway and decides to spread a rumor on Gossip Girl that they are fucking. It's basically a classic high school prank in which you get your teacher thrown in jail for statutory rape as a goof.
Everyone in the courtyard is giving Dan high fives because it's awesome to fuck your teacher. Jenny comes up and tells Dan that the whole thing is on Gossip Girl, he makes fun of her eye makeup, and she leaves. I hope this is the new standard in Jenny Humphrey Usage: 45 seconds of screen time and then get her out of there. Serena confronts Dan about having so much sex with Ms. Carr that it's crazy how much sex they have, and Dan is like "no way," and Serena is like "Blair." She finally turns in her paper to Ms. Carr because insane fabricated sex scandals always seems to help people get over the fear of turning in their homework. Serena is like "don't worry about the rumor on Gossip Girl that you had sex with Dan, everyone will just forget about it," and Ms. Carr is like "what's Gossip Girl?" Really? Shouldn't the question you be asking be "What's I NEED A LAWYER?"
Blair is expelled for being a liar, and her dreams of going to Yale are over. She tells her dad that she didn't lie about Ms. Carr and Dan, because the only thing worse than being expelled from school for creating prosecutable lies about your teacher is having your gay dad who lives in France think that you lied about something. He vows to fight! With lawyers! There is a Parent Council Meeting tonight! To discuss these slander charges!
Serena and Ms. Carr meet in the park, OF COURSE. I don't think you guys realize how common it is for high school students to constantly be meeting with their teachers in parks and coffee shops at all hours of the day and night. Constantly. That's just how school is. Serena tries to make the case for why Blair shouldn't be expelled, which seems to revolve around the air-tight argument that "she wants to go to Yale, though." Ms. Carr apologizes for thinking that Blair's accusations of basically jail-time-worthy statutory rape kind of trump Serena and Blair's being friends as a reason for why the expulsion should stand. But UH OH, she leaves her dayplanner on the bench. Serena decides to bring it to her at her next meeting, which is scheduled for that evening at "the coffee shop."
Now, look, I'm not a lawyer, or even a particularly high-functioning adult, but if I had just been accused of having inappropriate relations with one of my students, I would not MEET THAT STUDENT ALONE AT A RESTAURANT THAT SAME NIGHT AFTER SCHOOL. Ms. Carr shouldn't be fired for having sex with Dan. She should be fired for being a FUCKING IDIOT. She explains over coffee that she would never in a million years have sex with Dan, and he TAKES OFFENSE? Yuck. But even worse is that she then explains that no, no, she would never in a million years because of how she is a teacher and he is a student, not because of Dan not being super fuckable and that she would like to fuck him all the time, and that he should call her in five years and they will fuck so hard. Jesus Christ. Oh, also, surprise, Serena shows up with the dayplanner, because Ms. Carr PENCILED IN HER MEETING WITH DAN INTO HER DAYPLANNER, JUST TO BE SURE SHE DIDN'T MISS THE IMPORTANT LATE NIGHT MEETING WITH THE STUDENT SHE'D JUST BEEN ACCUSED OF RAPING, SO MANY MEETINGS AND THINGS TO JUGGLE IT'S HARD TO KEEP THEM STRAIGHT. Serena sees Dan gently brushing Ms. Carr's hair behind her ear with his soft, writerly fingers, and she takes a cell phone picture. If only that was one of those new Motorola Gun Phones. It has a 10 megabullet gun built right in.
Blair bursts into the Parent Council Meeting with Serena's picture and is like "See, rape!" So Ms. Carr is fired. On the spot. At a Parent Council Meeting. In the middle of the night. Based on a cell phone photo presented by a historically vindictive high school student. Because that's how law works. Rufus is so mad at Dan that he walks away. Lilly also walks away. Then Blair's dad overhears Blair admitting that she lied and he walks away. Smart. Parents should always walk away when statutory rape is involved. Just get out of there. They know the way home.
Serena goes to Ms. Carr's house the next day to apologize. Ms Carr tells her that she read her paper last night, and that it's really good. Awww. Wait, what? You got fired from your job for fucking one of your students and you went home and read papers? You really need to go to jail, Ms. Carr. They have medicine there. Dan also comes over to apologize to Ms. Carr but instead Ms. Carr actually does rape him because she's not a teacher anymore so it's Rape Town, Population: So Much Rape. And then the Dean of Constance is like "let's give her her job back 4 fun." Perfect. I hope that this storyline never gets buried at the bottom of the ocean where it can't hurt people anymore.
MEANWHILE, Chuck Bass is in Eyes Wide Shut. The whole thing is just Eyes Wide Shut. At one point he says "This is Eyes Wide Shut," and he's right, because it is.
But more importantly, CHUCK BASS HAS A 646 PHONE NUMBER? LOLOLOLOLOL. What a loser!
