I’m just barely too old for the pokemon generation. But this pokemon go looked like fun. So I downloaded the app. Found a squirtle in my work bathroom. Now I’m not sure what to do.

Welcome to my new commenting gimmick: Taylor Swift disses as haikus.

boooring. this is the calvin harris of twitter beefs.

i can’t believe he chose to alienate his black fan like that

This week in a single photograph pic.twitter.com/rSVjboWwf4

— Eric Hu (@_EricHu) July 9, 2016

I know exactly why: you occasionally feel like a plastic bag floating in the wind. It’s ok, we all do.

“From Level 1 to 32 Levels”

2011.

It was the first year in a post-MBDTF world and it seemed anything was possible.

Enter Clams Casino.

I don’t think he even expected “Instrumentals” to blow up the way it did, but he was tapping into something bubbling up to the surface. Released in March 2011 (the same month as The Weeknd’s “House of Balloons” and Burial’s “Street Halo”), this masterfully sequenced mix of random beats sans rappers instantly became his calling card. Before The Weeknd even put out “Thursday” (before The Weeknd had Clams Casino produce “The Fall” on “Echoes of Silence” by year-end 2011), Clams had dropped the “Rainforest” EP on the then hot-shit record label Tri Angle as well as the single “Wizard” for Adult Swim. Not to mention the legendary “Unchain Me” beat on Lil B’s proper album “I’m Gay” that summer meant hungry Clams fans were getting a heaping helping from a more than generous producer.

The impact of the “Rainforest” EP cannot be understated. Hell, it was ranked as the Best EP of 2011 So Far on this very site (only to be knocked down to #2 come year end by The Soft Moon, something I’ll never forget nor forgive). “Rainforest” isn’t just a title, it’s a theme fully explored in five songs. What instantly stuck out to me was how different they were from the “Instrumentals” mixtape. They were their own force that needed no vocals to transfer Clams’ vision to our brains. Within half a year, this brand new producer had carved out two distinct approaches to music using a unique aesthetic to top it all off. Listening to “Drowning” was the point that I thought, “This man is destined for greatness. If he can make this cohesive of a statement in five songs, what about a whole album?”

Then A$AP Rocky happened. But let’s be honest, would he have REALLY happened without Clams Casino? Thanks to “Palace” Rocky was able to explode onto the rap scene and become an instant hit. Fuck a shit-talking intro, opening statement, none of that. Just the sound of air being sucked out of the room and then blasted back in your face. “Goddamn, how real is this? I know the whole world gon’ be feeling this.” It was one of five Clams Casino cuts on that mixtape released in November of 2011, but it was “Palace” that made me instantly realize that Clams Casino was actually EVEN BETTER than “Rainforest” would have led me to believe. Forget Rocky, when is this New Jersey producer going to blow up?

You would think “I’m God” would have been enough. I think someone here or elsewhere told me at Pitchfork 2012 that the song was played by AraabMUZIK, Flying Lotus and of course Clams himself. It rightfully closed out the “Instrumentals 2″ mixtape, arguably the best of the three. If you visit the YouTube page for it you’ll realize it’s a part of Internet legend now. (The tl;dr is that it soundtracked a moment on a New York rooftop with a girl he loved that ended up being with another guy that caused the original guy to commit suicide). Basically “I’m God” is much, much bigger than “an instrumental beat.” But it wasn’t lightning in a bottle, it was Clams slowly unlocking his full potential.

Clams scared some people when he released “Instrumentals 3″ saying it was the last mixtape he would release. People rightfully freaked, but I knew he was wrapping a bow around the Instrumentals Trilogy and moving on to what we all suspected was coming ever since “Rainforest” EP. After all the remixes, production credits, Grand Theft Auto 5 radio, we were ready for a full-length. There was literally no evidence that such a thing was coming, but it felt like it was secretly promised back in 2011.

When news broke that he’d been secretly working on said full-length for two years in partnership with Columbia “We Got Daft Punk A Grammy” Records, the time to freak out was nigh. I posted earlier the impeccable album rollout for “32 Levels” and it bears repeating. It recalls back the excitement of 2011 when Clams Casino properly bust through into the scene. Even though he’s been building up to this moment for 5 years, this album roll out makes him feel like a fresh new talent all over again. Except that he’s far too experienced to be labeled as a “new artist.” That’s what makes this album drop all the more special, it’s the debut album from somebody we’ve been keeping an eye on for years.

Remind you of anybody? Jamie xx comes to mind with his 12″ releases and Gil-Scott Heron collaboration that all inevitably led to the best album of 2015 (well, second only to Kendrick, but first in my heart). Likewise, (and I haven’t even heard the whole thing) I foresee “32 Levels” being second only to Bowie this year. It’s such a massive statement from an artist that took his time to get his shit together. Proving to all of us, and probably even justifying the decision making of a certain Jonny Jewel, that greatness is not bombarding listeners with a mixtape of every little thing they make. It’s slowly crafting the intricacies of great ideas and turning them into awe-inspiring works of art. It’s about grinding out the noob zones and hitting a few dungeons so that you can hit that fabled level 32. Then, my friend, you are ready for the final boss.

TL;DR Final Boss is no match for a Level 32 Based Being

Sounds like the Baker left the oven on, because that drummer just got burned.

Something tells me when Calvin hit send on those tweets, the entire Stereogum staff shot out of their chairs and yelled in unison:

“WHERE’S THE BEEF?!?!?!?!!?”

I think we already have a candidate whose empathy extends as far as the headlines.

Mike Render is a millionaire who probably has his burgers brought to him and forgets that there is a stressed out average person between people and their money at a bank.

Even if “sexual freedom” were being restricted, that isn’t even close to being the same thing.

Fuck Kim and Kanye. Talentless piece of shits!

Nope.

Be real with me, who doesn’t have a Cypress Hill trophy case to keep all their memorabilia in?