The Alternative Number Ones: Jane’s Addiction’s “Been Caught Stealing”

In The Alternative Number Ones, I'm reviewing every #1 single in the history of the Billboard Modern Rock Tracks/Alternative Songs, starting with the moment that the chart launched in 1988. This column is a companion piece to The Number Ones, and it's for members only. Thank you to everyone who's helping to keep Stereogum afloat.

I been caught stealing once when I was nine. I had enough money for one comic book, but I wanted three, so I bought the one (Ghost Rider Meets Doctor Strange, I think) and then stuffed the other two into the shopping bag. First attempt. Didn't get far. The people at the bookstore grabbed both me and my little brother, separated us, and ushered us into back rooms. They told me that my brother told them that I did this all the time, which was a lie on their part. At some point, my mom showed up, and everyone, my mom included, seemed convinced that I made a regular habit of shoplifting. Maybe they were hunting some elusive cat burglar who regularly depleted their comic book supply, or maybe they just wanted to scare me.

Joke's on them. The only thing those ding-dongs taught me was that I should look around next time before shoving something in my pocket. It might've taken a year or two for me to build up the nerve again, but after that, I kept shoplifting for years. Sometimes, it was comics or candy or cigarettes, in the rare and beautiful moments that Royal Farms had cigarettes out on display in the store instead of behind the counter. (It was always Monclairs, which were gross, but still.)